As the room echoed in despair, the bitter cold plunged into my veins; oh what a relief, I actually feel something. I sat recklessly, my lips pressed against the icy window-pane. I began to feel nostalgic; my heart slowly descends into a world of regret and sorrow. Not a glimpse of hope emerged; instead it departed, along with all the other optimistic emotions I yearned so deeply for. The numbness crept into my fragile fingernails. All of a sudden, my ability to speak, to move and to feel unnoticeably withdrew. Or at least I thought it did.
Boarding school was no paradise. It was a prison. Family portraits were not allowed on the walls; instead I had to endure the anguish the plain pallid walls gave me, glaring at me day-in and day-out. People here never spoke of their family, as if it were forbidden. Shabby lavatories and congested hallways never made my day. And the longer I stayed here, the more resentment and tediousness grew inside of me. Alas, separation is indeed hard to bear.
It’s been a year since I left home. One long, dreadful year that somehow transformed my inner-thoughts. I still lack the courage to call my family. I even fear the thought of talking about them to people; I fear the tears would burst uncontrollably. The distance from home grew farther each day. I watched keenly as my friends phoned their family; I relived the discomfort and moved on. The countless stories and laughs transmitted through the coiled phone wire brew nothing but envy – ‘I wish that was me!’ I thought mutely to myself as I endured the aftermath of physical and emotional separation.
My thoughts which drifted frantically, settled as I gently shut my eye-lids. I visualized my sisters, my goofy brothers, my theatrical friends who always spiced up my day, and my always-supportive parents. I miss it. I miss it all. Life seemed meaningless and purposeless without them. My heart is like those frail plants situated outside in my window box, suffering from the cold and remoteness it was forcibly placed in. Such were my thoughts.
From time to time I wrote down the things I missed the most, it didn’t help of course, it just kept me occupied. Anything beats snuggling in the corner of the room, wrapped in thick cloth, weeping endlessly and coughing spasmodically. My thoughts began accelerating, heading in all directions. A piece of me was still snuggled up in my old bedroom. Was I ever going to get it back? For a second my thoughts jammed, I thought I heard a voice. I continued to ponder on what could have been… wait a minute; I hear the voice again. A head poked up from behind the door, alas, my thoughts perished.
“Hello” whispered one of the girls from our block. Chunks of ice built themselves on my windowsill as she walked towards me. All she saw was a girl sitting in the corner of the room, aggressively encircled by her arms. The faint expression on my face blinded her from the agony bottled inside of me. “Is everything alright?” she asked, as if she didn’t know. Her moist breath powdered the room instantly. ‘I hate uninvited guests’ I thought to myself. I kept quite, staring outside my window. She came closer, she wanted to say something, but I interrupted her. “Can you please shut the door? That is… on your way out” I said, callously. I had no idea what she doing in my cell; I wanted her to leave but the melancholy me was unable to say so. She rubbed her numbed nose and cheek-bones with her mittened hand. Her nose eagerly thrust itself aggressively into the frosty air. She reached into her fairly small pocket; I was praying to god she had Anesthetics in there. She took a packet of gum and placed it on the table beside me. “I’ve been there Eden; it helps to talk about it. Anyways If you change your mind, my door is always open” she said, how did she know my name? She stared at me for a while waiting for a response but I gave none. She nodded sorrowfully and walked out.
My heart bled intensely as I watched her leave. Regret penetrated through my skull, the way the cold pieced through my skin. But in moments, I forgot about her. I forgot about the gum. I forgot about it all. The room, awfully dim as it always seemed, suddenly got brighter. The curtains blew ecstatically. The chilly breeze ran gracefully through the root of my hair. The tail of my woolen scarf rose and kicked the air vigorously. It was refreshing, for a moment. A new day had dawned. Yet I sat there, tormented by the dejection that engulfed me.
It’s been a year since I left home. One long, dreadful year that somehow transformed my inner-thoughts. I still lack the courage to call my family. I even fear the thought of talking about them to people; I fear the tears would burst uncontrollably. The distance from home grew farther each day. I watched keenly as my friends phoned their family; I relived the discomfort and moved on. The countless stories and laughs transmitted through the coiled phone wire brew nothing but envy – ‘I wish that was me!’ I thought mutely to myself as I endured the aftermath of physical and emotional separation.
My thoughts which drifted frantically, settled as I gently shut my eye-lids. I visualized my sisters, my goofy brothers, my theatrical friends who always spiced up my day, and my always-supportive parents. I miss it. I miss it all. Life seemed meaningless and purposeless without them. My heart is like those frail plants situated outside in my window box, suffering from the cold and remoteness it was forcibly placed in. Such were my thoughts.
From time to time I wrote down the things I missed the most, it didn’t help of course, it just kept me occupied. Anything beats snuggling in the corner of the room, wrapped in thick cloth, weeping endlessly and coughing spasmodically. My thoughts began accelerating, heading in all directions. A piece of me was still snuggled up in my old bedroom. Was I ever going to get it back? For a second my thoughts jammed, I thought I heard a voice. I continued to ponder on what could have been… wait a minute; I hear the voice again. A head poked up from behind the door, alas, my thoughts perished.
“Hello” whispered one of the girls from our block. Chunks of ice built themselves on my windowsill as she walked towards me. All she saw was a girl sitting in the corner of the room, aggressively encircled by her arms. The faint expression on my face blinded her from the agony bottled inside of me. “Is everything alright?” she asked, as if she didn’t know. Her moist breath powdered the room instantly. ‘I hate uninvited guests’ I thought to myself. I kept quite, staring outside my window. She came closer, she wanted to say something, but I interrupted her. “Can you please shut the door? That is… on your way out” I said, callously. I had no idea what she doing in my cell; I wanted her to leave but the melancholy me was unable to say so. She rubbed her numbed nose and cheek-bones with her mittened hand. Her nose eagerly thrust itself aggressively into the frosty air. She reached into her fairly small pocket; I was praying to god she had Anesthetics in there. She took a packet of gum and placed it on the table beside me. “I’ve been there Eden; it helps to talk about it. Anyways If you change your mind, my door is always open” she said, how did she know my name? She stared at me for a while waiting for a response but I gave none. She nodded sorrowfully and walked out.
My heart bled intensely as I watched her leave. Regret penetrated through my skull, the way the cold pieced through my skin. But in moments, I forgot about her. I forgot about the gum. I forgot about it all. The room, awfully dim as it always seemed, suddenly got brighter. The curtains blew ecstatically. The chilly breeze ran gracefully through the root of my hair. The tail of my woolen scarf rose and kicked the air vigorously. It was refreshing, for a moment. A new day had dawned. Yet I sat there, tormented by the dejection that engulfed me.